I am 38 weeks pregnant and my belly is moving all over the place, entertaining and distracting me as I attempt to write the first post for this new section of my blog. I always knew that mothers could feel their babies move, but I did not expect to be able to watch these movements from the outside, or to be able to tickle the side of my belly and have a little foot poke out and playfully kick my hand in response.
I have been pregnant for most of 2015 and what a year of monumental change it has been. No matter how many people you know who have had babies, nothing can prepare you for the physical and spiritual changes you will go through the first time you grow a little person inside you. More than just a swelling of the belly and breasts (and in my case, booty), I have spent most of the year in awe of the female body and the things that it does all on its own, in order to create a new life. The words ‘two souls, one body’ resonate in an entirely different way when it is your own body housing both souls, when you hear the beating of a little heart that is not your own, coming from inside your body.
I’ve never had any doubt that I one day wanted to be a mother, but I didn’t think it was something I wanted to do just yet. Partially because I was attached to my carefree Berlin lifestyle and partially because of the doubt that came creeping whenever I started to think about the state of our planet and whether giving in to my biological urges was selfish when there are so many babies out there who need loving homes. Andy (best friend/husband/baby daddy) and I agreed that kids were something we would tackle in due course but not just yet, not this year.
Then I fell pregnant by accident. We have alcohol to thank for that, though when I look back on the conversations and thoughts I had been having in the lead up to our babes fateful conception, I realise I was more ready than ever to be a Mama, I just wasn’t ready to let go of what I thought was my ‘freedom’. Before and up until realising I was pregnant, I was a heavy weed smoker – I’m talking between 3 and 10 joints every day for the past ten years of my life heavy. I used to think that with no kids I had the ultimate freedom but it wasn’t until I stopped smoking that it dawned on me that for the past ten years of my life, my inner peace and creativity had been controlled by marijuana. Where is the freedom in that?
I am so, so glad that this little guy decided it was time for Andy and I to be his parents, because I love being pregnant more than I could ever have imagined. So much of what I previously took for granted has become a source of marvel and so much of what I used to agonise over has melted away. The shift in perspective – from existential to biological musings – has made me calmer and somewhere along the way I lost a bag of grudges and hangups which has made me a whole lot happier. I have always been the type of person who would be categorised as ‘bubbly’ and ‘happy’ but this is a different kind of happiness. It is deeper. I feel content. I feel like the ultimate woman. And Andy and I are more in love than I ever knew possible.